RAW

These are a collection of thoughts I've had on my mind on an assortment of things that I haven't always talked about. This post is more like a journal entry on the grounds that it is not weird or vague like most of the blog posts anyone has ever posted in the history of ever are. I think posts are like that because it is hard to be uncovered and to have your raw nerves hit with the cool air of judgement. 

On decisions and the past:

I live in CONSTANT fear of making the wrong decision. I cannot stress enough about how great this fear is. If I am ever in the situation where two groups of people are inviting me to two different events I just want to cry, because I do not know what to do or where to go and I'm afraid that at one place I could possibly have the time of my life and at the other something really bad will happen. I know that this is crazy and chances are I will have fun no matter where I go, but it still stresses me out. 

Lately I have been needing to make these decisions more and more because I have two separate groups of friends that are becoming more and more distinct as time goes on. For the duration of this post they will be referred to as AF and Lone Peak. 

Back in the ninth grade when I made the biggest decision of my young life it completely changed the course my life was on. If I had chosen to go to AF I believe that my life would be about 96% different, and that different is not necessarily good or bad, it's just different and I cannot decide if good or bad can be associated with it. 

We claimed to be never ending friends forever, but circumstances and people change. Don't get me wrong though, Riley is still the person I hold most dear in my heart. And I love talking to Adelaide. And being with Kasey always puts a smile on my face. What I'm saying is that they have new friends. And new music. And new secrets. And new memories that I am not a part of and that I simply do not understand. 

And on the other hand, I love my Ariel with my whole soul, and I appreciate the friends like Cole Robinson, and Kimble, and Alexa, and Shannon, and all these other new friends I made. And tried new things. And listened to new music. And shared moments with people that they haven't met. 

My point is that we are becoming different people. Lone Peak and AF are not the same. And someone is always left feeling left out and like someone tried to not invite them personally. But what I have to say to those people is that friendship is a two way street. And in order to be invited you have to invite. In order to know what happens in other people lives, you need to tell them what happens in yours. Friendship requires effort. 

I just wish that we could reassemble The Gang. I wish that AF and their new friends and Lone Peak and our new friends could all get together and we could all become friends. But that feels like just a hopeless dream. 

I'm happy with my decision, but I can't help but wonder sometimes. 

On boys and why I want to kill myself: 

It has been brought to my attention that I am something the kids are calling a flirt. However, this so called flirtatious behavior is on accident. I just think I'm a nice person and I have never once approached someone with the intention to flirt or to woo them with my charm. 

This has created a sort of problem in my life. Because boys take this and misconstrue it to mean more than it does. Which is why Hilarison now thinks we have a relationship and why JP was always jealous. 

I guess I'm just an awful person, whoops. 

On school and more reasons I want to die:

I cannot express to you how finished I am with school. Getting up early makes me sad and doing homework to all hours of the night makes me sad. And when I just want to make brownies with Riley but she can't because she has homework makes me sad. But making the brownies anyway and then eating them made me happy. Food is just always the answer. 

I guess I had more to say, but I'm a little finished talking. In conclusion, I love all of my friends and I love my life, even though  a lot of times I feel like half of a person living with half of a beating heart. 

Enjoy this picture of Jace and Baby Hope. They love each other a lot, it's cute.